Why Apple's plans to make a car are going to fail

Let's face it, you probably didn't know Apple was planning to make a car. The news only popped up for a bit and then the whole dress thing flared up. But in case you were wondering if Apple could actually build a car, they could but you wouldn't buy it. Why? Considering that their phones sell a lot every year and they always come up with newer versions that are either glossy or matte. And bigger. Here are some of my reasons. Which might make sense. Or maybe not.

1. It's easier to just team up with a car company and add some touchscreens to it. But would you buy an Audi with touchscreens? Granted the TouchID would be kind of cool when it comes to unlocking the doors but that's about it. It's essentially a big iPhone with wheels. And you still need an iPhone because you can't bring it to meetings. Don't ask me why Apple would team up with Audi to make a car, I just thought they'd be the only company that would do that. Can you imagine the iFerrari? I can't.

2. It's a big iPhone with wheels. Which means it'll have to look like an iPhone or noone's going to buy it. In short it'll have lots of angles and no curved surfaces at all. And everything will be covered in a thin layer of glass to make it super shiny and cool to look at. Unfortunately it's covered in a thin layer of glass. Meaning knocking into anything will ruin your car. And because it's from Apple replacement parts are unavailable and you will need to have it shipped back to HQ to fix it. Which is expensive.

3. It will be battery powered. Because Apple can't make it a petrol engine. Don't even think about the diesel version. And we all know battery powered vehicles are kind of boring. And tiny.

4. It will only be available in white and gold. Which means everyone's going to point at it and say that it's blue and black. And your life will suck from there onwards.

5. Apple will deny this, but the car will detect that you are using an Android device and lock you out. Until you leave it behind and get into the car. At which point you will request to be driven to your destination, Siri will say "I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that." and blow up the car.

This could have been a lot funnier, but I haven't written something like this for quite a while. Sorry.