The Ultimate Pet Catting Guide

So, you have a pet eh? Neat. But pets are rather boring, aren't they? Take fish for example. They swim around. They swim up to the surface of the water whenever you feed them, then they swim back down, chase their tails, and when they feel like it they find some corner in your tank and die.

THAT'S OFFENSIVE. TAKE BACK YOUR STATEMENT OR I'LL EAT YOU.

Since when did you learn proper English? Anyway, hamsters are quite adorable, although according to a friend of mine the mothers do tend to eat their children when stressed.

And humans, on very rare occasions.

Then you have birds, which tweet, hop around, fly a bit and eat seeds from your hand and sit in your hand and are generally very cuddly if a bit hard to hold. Owls are the best. Although owl babies look quite frankly like sacks of s***. Not that I have a thing against owl babies, they do look quite funny, especially when there's people holding them and they go into the "IF I STAY VERY STILL AND ACT DEAD HE'LL PUT ME DOWN" state.

The way he's squeezing me, I'll be dead anyway.

But I've never really heard of anyone keeping owls in Singapore, and there don't seem to be any owls in Singapore for that matter.

Onto dogs. They're not my favorite animal. I'm sorry to say that, but I don't find dogs very appealing. I think it's got something to do with their faces. Or maybe I'm weird and a massive douchebag (THAT'S TOTALLY YOUR OPINION AND NOT MINE).

Anyway onto the main point of this post, which is called pet catting. Essentially this post will show you how to turn your pet into a cat-like creature. Hopefully. I don't have a pet, so I'm asking you people to test the methods shown below. Constructive comments would be greatly appreciated. Any damage to animals is totally not my fault. (insert more disclaimers here, blah blah blah, each sold separately, batteries not included, do not feed to children over 18, machine wash only)

Method 1: Make it look like a cat. This will involve the use of string to make artificial whiskers, as well as cat ears and a marker. Simply hot glue the strings to the face of your pet. If the cat ears don't stay on then use glue as well. The marker is for adding additional whiskers and the obligatory cat face, :3

Method 2: Make it act like a cat. This one's simple. Simply allow your pet to be the biggest arse ever. Then let it control your life. Done.

Method 3: Make it smell like a cat? I don't know what cats smell like. I'd assume kittens smell like sunshine and rainbows but as they get older hints of death and destruction start to appear, with an aftertaste of Hell.

Method 4: Convert it into a cat. Unlike the above 3 methods this one is a bit more complicated. First, sacrifice something. (The time you've spent reading this is not an appropriate sacrifice). Then offer it to the Devil. Hang on maybe you should offer it to the Devil first before sacrificing it? Eh, just try both ways. If the Devil appears, ask him to turn your pet into a cat. If he looks extremely confused by the request then just point at your pet and meow.