The Ultimate Pet Catting Guide

So, you have a pet eh? Neat. But pets are rather boring, aren't they? Take fish for example. They swim around. They swim up to the surface of the water whenever you feed them, then they swim back down, chase their tails, and when they feel like it they find some corner in your tank and die.

THAT'S OFFENSIVE. TAKE BACK YOUR STATEMENT OR I'LL EAT YOU.

Since when did you learn proper English? Anyway, hamsters are quite adorable, although according to a friend of mine the mothers do tend to eat their children when stressed.

And humans, on very rare occasions.

Then you have birds, which tweet, hop around, fly a bit and eat seeds from your hand and sit in your hand and are generally very cuddly if a bit hard to hold. Owls are the best. Although owl babies look quite frankly like sacks of s***. Not that I have a thing against owl babies, they do look quite funny, especially when there's people holding them and they go into the "IF I STAY VERY STILL AND ACT DEAD HE'LL PUT ME DOWN" state.

The way he's squeezing me, I'll be dead anyway.

But I've never really heard of anyone keeping owls in Singapore, and there don't seem to be any owls in Singapore for that matter.

Onto dogs. They're not my favorite animal. I'm sorry to say that, but I don't find dogs very appealing. I think it's got something to do with their faces. Or maybe I'm weird and a massive douchebag (THAT'S TOTALLY YOUR OPINION AND NOT MINE).

Anyway onto the main point of this post, which is called pet catting. Essentially this post will show you how to turn your pet into a cat-like creature. Hopefully. I don't have a pet, so I'm asking you people to test the methods shown below. Constructive comments would be greatly appreciated. Any damage to animals is totally not my fault. (insert more disclaimers here, blah blah blah, each sold separately, batteries not included, do not feed to children over 18, machine wash only)

Method 1: Make it look like a cat. This will involve the use of string to make artificial whiskers, as well as cat ears and a marker. Simply hot glue the strings to the face of your pet. If the cat ears don't stay on then use glue as well. The marker is for adding additional whiskers and the obligatory cat face, :3

Method 2: Make it act like a cat. This one's simple. Simply allow your pet to be the biggest arse ever. Then let it control your life. Done.

Method 3: Make it smell like a cat? I don't know what cats smell like. I'd assume kittens smell like sunshine and rainbows but as they get older hints of death and destruction start to appear, with an aftertaste of Hell.

Method 4: Convert it into a cat. Unlike the above 3 methods this one is a bit more complicated. First, sacrifice something. (The time you've spent reading this is not an appropriate sacrifice). Then offer it to the Devil. Hang on maybe you should offer it to the Devil first before sacrificing it? Eh, just try both ways. If the Devil appears, ask him to turn your pet into a cat. If he looks extremely confused by the request then just point at your pet and meow.

29/8/14

We're nearing the end of August already. My birthday's next month, can you believe that? Had PE yesterday. It was pretty nice. Played Frisbee and I didn't suck. Whoopee.

I have a biology test today that I haven't quite studied for. I wouldn't be worrying about it so much, but I slept through quite a few lessons so I might be a bit screwed. No CCA tomorrow so I should be getting home early.

Singapore junior physics olympiad is this Saturday. I should probably start studying for it,  the past year papers looked quite hard.

Anyway, good night. Don't stay up too late.

27/8/14

School has been alright. Had a math quiz today, I think it was easy. Integration by parts. Not too difficult if you know how to do it.

Borrowed some books today, just finished one.

It'd be kind of cool being a cat wouldn't it? You'd just sit there all day being the hugest arse in the world and no one would blame you for that because you're bloody adorable and you get away with everything that you do. And then you get old and die and then you respawn because you're a cat and you have 9 lives and since you're a cat you're not limited to respawning as house cats you could become a tiger or a lion and that would be pretty cool, wouldn't it? You could finally eat people. Or just be lazy all the time.

20/8/14

Had a holiday today, because the principal declared one since we won a lot of trophies :D Anyway we had E-learning yesterday so that's 2 days without school.

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge isn't a bad thing, since it's raised a substantial amount of money for ALS research and all that, but I couldn't help but feel the Ice Bucket part is a bit silly. For starters, how does pouring a bucket of ice water over your head in any way make you or the people watching more aware of ALS? Seriously, I went and looked up ALS and none of the symptoms vaguely resemble having a bucket of cold water being poured over you. If you want to experience the symptoms of ALS try strapping yourself to a wheelchair, or not moving your limbs or being unable to speak properly. Then try to survive a day and have people video it. Then have pillows tied around all your limbs with tight rubber bands so you can hardly move around properly. Then have someone try to strangle you so you have difficulty breathing. That's ALS. The ice bucket thing is just a way of getting people to watch and to participate because it would appear people really like pouring cold water over themselves.

And anyway, you've already donated the required $100, why drench yourself? What happens if the wind starts blowing? Do you have any idea what real cold is?
I don't either, but still.
Also, why hasn't Stephen Hawking said anything about this? I'm actually a bit worried he might have done the ice bucket challenge himself, which is terrifying.

Peer pressure is a terrifying thing. Don't go nominating people to do the ice bucket challenge as well, sometimes they really don't want to. But they can donate the $100, which is nice, I guess. Do it if you want to, but don't drag other people into this unless they agree.

A Guide to Identifying Owls

As the title says, this essentially tells you how to tell apart your owls. Even though there really aren't any in Singapore. At least I haven't seen any.

1. Is it looking at you angrily? Probably a short eared owl. Those things always look angry.

YOU LOOKING AT ME? WANT A FIGHT?

2. Does it look a bit like Totoro? Probably a long eared owl. Another way of telling it apart is if it looks like it has ears, although that's not as effective due to the large amount of owls that look like they have ears.

Why are you asking me if I have an umbrella? Just go inside when it rains, dummy.

3. Does it look like a grey mop head? It's a great grey owl then. It's great, it's grey, there's nothing much else to add. Other than it makes the traditional owl noise, which is "Hoo hoo."

How long do I have to stay here? Damn photographer's taking his time, isn't he?

4. Does it have disproportionately long legs? It's a burrowing owl. You can tell, since they often hang out on the ground instead of up in trees. And live in burrows.

Why does this picture remind me so much of Napoleon? I don't know.

5. Does it look like a burrowing owl, but is hanging out in a tree? It's a little owl. Also distinguishable from other owls by being little. Or maybe it's a burrowing owl that likes hanging out in trees, go figure.

I can't come up with a caption for this. Sorry.

6. Does it look like a miniaturized short eared owl? It's a saw whet owl. Also easily distinguished by looking extremely adorable. And having really huge pupils.

TAKE A PHOTO? OF ME? AW MAN I NEARLY FELL OFF THIS BRANCH!

7. Is it white? Or is it white with a couple of black feathers in between? It's a snowy owl. It looks snowy.

Check out my feet mittens. Cool, eh? Darn fluffy as well.

8. Does it look like a barn owl? I can't quite describe how a barn owl looks like, so if it fits your idea of a barn owl it probably is a barn owl.

I couldn't think of a caption for this either.

There are obviously way more owl species than mentioned in this post, however I do not have the required words for describing their looks, and you're probably far better off consulting a trained ornithologist than using this post. Seriously.

On a side note, owl babies are the ugliest things ever. But they're ugly to the point where it's funny. It's a bit hard to believe they'll grow up into the magnificent creatures up above, but hey, there's hope for everybody!

STOP SQUEEZING ME DAMMIT.

Oh, hey. I just woke up. And I'm hungry.

Links to pictures below:

http://theanimals.pics/short-eared-owl/6/wednesday-wings-short-eared-owls/

http://dansphotos.servehttp.com/birds/v/Owls/Long-eared+Owl/Long-eared+Owl+eyes.jpg.html

http://ibc.lynxeds.com/photo/great-grey-owl-strix-nebulosa/young-adult-probably-second-year-bird

http://www.markhancoxbirdphotography.co.uk/pages/galleries/owls.php?gall_id=29

http://www.stephenoachs.com/gallery-saw-whet-owl.php

http://duhallow.blogspot.sg/2012/05/long-eared-owl-chicks.html

All other images from wikipedia or arkive.

Hope you enjoyed!

10/8/14

Had some friends over at my house today to do homework. It was alright I guess. Didn't really talk much until a few hours in, but we talked quite a bit about our schools and how they're all weird. I find that our school seems to be quite lenient when it comes to late homework, compared to the other schools. Oh well. I actually did quite a bit of homework, so I guess I should do this more often? I don't know, I really want to though, it's pretty fun and enjoyable even if it was rather awkward at first.

28/7/14

Feeling a bit sleepy right now.
Bloody hell, tumblr can be a bit depressing at times. I have friends all over it complimenting each other, and I always feel so left out. Although I suppose it's mostly my fault, since I rarely ever talk to them. Or maybe because I'm a bit too weird for their liking. I have no idea. It seems they're a lot more expressive than I am. Or maybe it's because I keep everything inside? I have the most overactive imaginations at times. And I really don't like it because I've never put it to good use. Book writing attempts fizzle out after the first few chapters. And I'm not in a relationship, which does occasionally make me a bit jealous of other people.
Just did half of my chinese composition. I'll probably do the other half tomorrow, I really can't be bothered right now.
Do you have any idea how bloody infuriating it is to be shipped with the guy sitting next to you? I know you're all just teasing, but bloody fucking hell it gets so annoying at times I actually get angry. And then I keep it all in. Which in most cases is probably very unhealthy. I'll manage. My time with Nicholas taught me a few things about anger management. It's not nice. I'm not homophobic, but Chong Wen doesn't like it either. Neither do I. I could probably do something very nasty the next time that happens, but I usually just scream loudly. And look pissed. The fact that you're all girls doesn't make it any simpler either, because bloody fucking hell there are a lot of rules around when it comes to dealing with you people. Not that I hate you or anything, but I really wish you'd stop that.
I really hope I finished whatever's due tomorrow.
I don't really have a good friend to talk to. I know most other people in my class do, they're the ones with better social circles and all that. I actually do have someone I communicate with a lot, and I rather like it. Gives me something to look forward to. Even if the messages are a bit sporadic and we talk about the oddest things at times.